I recently asked this question to my friend Kevin.
Kevin has worked with men and women for a decade now in order to identify and verbalize how we get through the devastating pain of a breakup. He has literally found the breakup cure!
I´m not kidding – this is awesome…
He has a unique approach to the “get your ex back” idea, and a unique way of explaining how we get through a heartbreak with or without our ex…
I had the lucky opportunity to interview him myself and was fundamentally moved in my beliefs after that..
Read the interview below and learn how to handle a heartbreak in a new and way more beneficial way.
Tina: Many people going through a breakup constantly ask themselves if it’s even possible to get their ex back. What advice would you give to help them know what their chances of getting their ex back are?
Kevin: Great question.
After a break up, you get a lot of mixed signals.
One day they may be responding to you and another day they may be ignoring you.
Or they may say one little comment that just triggers a bunch of bad feelings in you (and can even throw off your entire day!)
*Nod your head if you can relate*
Honestly, it’s like a rollercoaster.
And it can be tough to “make sense” of all the mixed signals and figure out what to do.
And it’s even tougher to predict whether you two will truly get back together or not.
It’s easy to take their anger and hostility at face value and assume that your ex hates you and never wants to see you again.
And while that may sometimes be true, it’s not always the case. A lot of times, it’s simply said in the heat of the moment.
As one of my own coaches and mentors once said, “Anger is simply love turned inside out.”
So if they’re lashing out and saying hurtful words to you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is over. It just means that they’re really hurt right now.
I have a saying that I always say in one of my courses called The Breakup Cure which says:
“Hurt people hurt people”
You need to realize that the only reason they’re doing things that are hurting you is because they were in some way, shape, or form hurt by the actions that you did throughout the course of your relationship.
If you want to rebuild the relationship, you need to see their hurt for exactly what it is and not get derailed by it.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
If they’re completely indifferent to you, then it may be more problematic. So if they completely ignore you and avoid you, that may be a sign of indifference.
Then again, it can also be a sign of self-protection.
Some people keep their distance not because they’re indifferent but because it makes it easier for them to cope with the breakup that way. They pull away because they’re afraid that if they spend more time with you, or talk to you, they’ll end up getting “sucked back in” to the relationship.
As you can see, there are a lot of different dynamics that go into this and it can be tough to figure out exactly what’s going on without talking to you and your ex personally and getting a better feel for your situation.
However, I hope this gave you some insight into what could possibly be going on in your relationship.
Tina: Do you believe there’s a distinct different between those who get their ex back and those who don’t?
Kevin: Yes. There’s a pretty distinct difference between the people who get their ex back and those that don’t. The people who successfully get back with their ex make a bigger effort to TRULY understand what it was about the relationship that caused it to fail. And most importantly, they decide to learn the “relationship skills” they need in order to rebuild it.
Obviously, not all of them will be able to rebuild their relationship successfully. However, in the process, they will learn valuable skills that will allow them to build their next relationship into a much more successful one. One that is not plagued by all the problems and arguments that tore you and your ex apart.
I know that may (or may not) be what you want to hear right now but it’s worth stating that your life will be immeasurably better if you choose to learn the right relationship skills now (regardless of whether you get to use those skills with your ex or with another partner of your choosing). Nothing bad could possibly come out of learning and improving yourself as a person.
So I would encourage you to do that. I see that you’re already on the right path by reading this eBook so I would just encourage you to keep utilizing additional resources that will aid you on your path of growth.
Tina: Why do you think people go from “I love you ” to “It’s over”?
Lots of hurt.
And most importantly: lots of pent up hurt that was never expressed.
Or perhaps, it was expressed but it was never truly understood by their partner.
And so it was never expressed again because they didn’t feel like they had a “safe space” in the relationship to express all their feelings and have them received by their partner.
And so in the future, they bottle up their emotions and don’t share them with you.
This causes them to pull away, and drift further and further away from you.
And they usually don’t tell you about any of this until they finally drop the bomb on you and tell you it’s over.
Now, there are probably other reasons for this as well, but this is the first one that came to mind to address the sudden switch from “I love you” to “it’s over”
Tina: “What would you say is the biggest mistake people make when they’re trying to get over a breakup?”
Kevin: The biggest mistake people make when trying to get over a break up is NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Or more accurately, not doing the RIGHT things about it.
Most people think they’re doing things to try to get over it.
However, the things they’re doing to try to get over it don’t truly deal with all the pain they’re feeling.
For example: most people just go out and try to stay busy, hoping that it will take their mind off their ex. But as you already know, this doesn’t work.
Because no matter what you do, they’re still the first thing on your mind the second your wake up in the morning or when your crawl into your empty bed, all alone, laying there and thinking about your ex and all the “shoulda, coulda, wouldas”
Here’s another example of something that a lot of people to try to get over it (which doesn’t really do anything either)
A lot of people go out and start dating other people to try to get rid of that “empty feeling”
It’s like they’re trying to replace their ex or cover up the “empty void” with someone else.
This only ends up back-firing on you though.
Because when you go on dates, you’re constantly reminded of your ex. Your think about how they’re UNLIKE your ex in this way. Or how they’re like your ex in that way. Or how you just don’t feel the same level of “connection” with them as you felt with your ex.
It’s the first or second date.
You probably didn’t feel that level of connection with your ex on the first date either.
But we tend to forget that.
That’s because we’re not really dating from a neutral state.
We’re dating from a state in which we are trying to compensate for our own loneliness.
Not only does this fail to heal the pain you’re feeling, it actually makes it worse.
You need to stop doing all the conventional common sense things that we’re lead to believe will help us “get over” a break up and start doing the things that actually help you deal with all the pain you’re feeling.
Tina: “What do you think is the biggest myth that most people believe about breakups?”
The biggest myth that most people believe about breakups is that “time heals all wounds”
We hear that advice ALL the time.
It’s almost like a “cultural gospel”
And yet, it’s complete and utter bullshit.
Time does NOT heal all wounds.
I have clients that come to me YEARS after their break up and they’re still thinking about their ex, still hung up on them, and unable to find true love again.
Whether they believe it or not, they are still living in the shadow of their last relationship.
They are still “filtering” everything in their life through the context of that past relationship that is now long gone. And so this “filter” literally makes them miserable. It keeps them holding on and unable to let go.
This is what happens when you simply leave it up to “time” to heal you.
I mean think about it… what the hell is “time” anyway?
It’s just a number that we use to represent the hour of the day.
It doesn’t have any healing properties.
People who rely on passive methods like “time” are just as doomed as people who rely on
passive methods to get their ex back.
My point here is that you CANNOT expect time to heal you.
Sure, time can make the pain feel more distant.
But it cannot actually make the pain go away (which is what you really want more than anything, right?)
To finally stop feeling like this.
Well, “time” won’t do that.
That’s because time doesn’t get rid of the pain, it just helps you grow used to it.
Now, I don’t know about you…. but I hate pain.
Every single type of it.
Physical, emotional, psychological.
I’m incredibly impatient and I hate suffering and not being able to do something about it.
So anytime I experience pain, I seek out a solution.
And if you’re experiencing pain as a result of a recent (or not-so-recent) breakup, it’s up to YOU to seek out a REAL solution.
You can keep going on dates to try to force yourself to move on.
You can try to stay busy so you don’t have to think about it.
But when you’re all alone at night, that gnawing pain is still going to be there.
It’s going to be eating you alive from the inside.
And until you do something about it, it’s going to keep eating away at you.
You won’t truly get rid of it until you stop trying to “run” from it on the outside.
You have to turn inwards and do the “real work” in order to truly heal and put this behind you.
If you’re sick of feeling all this pain and you’re ready to move past this, I’ve got the perfect solution for you.
It’s called The Breakup Cure and it’s literally the “shortcut” to getting over a break up.
Tina: I´v allready read it and It´s AMAZING and totally stands out from anything else on the market right now.
Thank you so much Kevin you have been sharing really valuable information today.
Kevin: You´re welcome, It´s been a pleasure and I truly believe your readers will benefit as much as mine.