When talking to people about their relationship problems, I find myself saying some of the same things over and over again. It´s like the same issues in different variations sneak in and cause havoc in relationships.
6 most common toxic habits for you to learn from.
We all dream of the ultimate romantic love, where we behave irrational, make love all over the place. Where big screaming fights turn in to passionate make-up scenes. The feeling that forever is not long enough and no one has ever felt love like that…
Many find themselves miles from that dream…
We have a tendencie to objectify each other and the relationship. The partner become an asset rather than a emotional supporter. They become a cake figur in the picture you want to show the world.
Our parents didn´t help much – they probably did the best they could, but statistics show that it is more common than not, to be a child from divorced parents.
The worst part is that many people think these habits are normal and end up looking like personified question marks when the other part finally have enough and walk away.
Below are the six of the ones I run into time and time again…
1) Try too buy your way out of a relationship problem
When a major conflict or issue enter the relationship. Instead of solving it, one covers it up with the good felling of buying something expensive, going on a trip, go to a concert or other activities costing money.
It seems like a good idea in the moment. You feel bad -> do something to feel good
Newsflash – it is NOT a good idea. You can not brush problems under the rug, not only will they ALWAYS reemerge, but next time they will get worse.
Both men and women are guilty of this toxic habit.
If one partner continuously “solve” the other partners frustrations and disrespectful behavior by going to restaurants, concerts or trips.
Not only will the paying partner feel like a money tree and not as a giving respected, valued companion. The other partner learn that he/she get “rewarded” for that kind of behavior.
In the end both feel unheard and bitter.
So – deal with the problems. Communicate address the issue right away if it is possible, if not arrange a meeting with your loved one and talk it out. (tip – only one issue pr meeting)
The money spend on trips or otherwise after solving the problems are far more worth it, the experience is so much more fun with a clean slate 🙂
2) Acting jealous as a love-act
That is when you exude negative words and acting whenever your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, or think of looking in the direction of another person. When you take that anger out on your partner and try to control every move they make. It often grows into checking emails, phone records or showing up unannounced when they´re not expecting you.
It will eventually destroy your relationship if your partner looses their freedom and sense of being a responsible adult.
Some people actually think that it is an act of love, as if their partner didn´t love them if they were not jealous.
That is downright crazy. It´s controlling and manipulative and creates unnecessary drama.
That kind of behavior signals that you do not trust your partner to tell the truth, controlling their own impulses and/or talking proper care of them self and the relationship.
Would you date someone with those thoughts of you? – I wouldn´t
Try to trust your partner, maybe it sounds radical to you, but it could save your relationship.
Some jealousy is natural and we all feel it now and then, but excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness. Deal with them and trust yourself to be worthy of the love your partner have already shown you by being with you.
If you keep up this behavior, you will push them away. If you do not deal with your own issues and learn to love yourself, you will end up with a new partner leaving you for the same reasons..
3) Holding your partner up on your emotions
That is when you fx. having a bad day and your partner isn´t being super supportive. They are on the phone, in the office or otherwise minding their own business. When you feel like cuddle on the couch and they rather go out with friends.
Then you lash out for being insensitive and egoistic (or other not so pretty words). You think they should know that you had a bad day and that they should have ditched everything to make you feel better because your emotions were running low.
Blaming our partner for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness and a classic example of poor maintenance of personal boundaries.
It create codependent tendencies. suddenly you are not allowed to plan any activities without checking in with your partner first. That goes all the way to reading books, watching tv and go the groceries.
Everything must be negotiated and compromised. If someone feels upset, all personal desires disappear and it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.
This breed resentment and bitternes
Take responsibility for your own emotions. It´s ok to state that your having a bad day, and your partner can choose to act accordingly. It is NOT ok to get a tantrum if they choose not to.
Tell your partner what you have done to make yourself feel better and what you would like them to do. Then you have taken responsibility and given your partner a fair chance with respect for the plans they may have.
4) Holding the relationship hostage
That is when you bring up the relationship status every time a little obstacle occurs. When you question the partners commitment to the relationship or threaten to end it.
Fx. instead of saying “I would love to go out more” you say “I am not sure I can be with someone who never want to go out”
It is emotional blackmail and creates to much drama. It is very important that both partners can feel like the relationship is a save place to communicate negative feelings without it threatening the relationship itself. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings and it leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.
It´s perfectly fine to get upset with your partner or dislike some of their habits, that´s normal and human. But there is a big difference between being committed to another person and always liking them. One can be totally devoted to another person and yet being annoyed sometime.
Partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another without judgement and blackmail, will actually strengthen their commitment to one another in the long run.
5) Passive-aggression and dropping hints
That is when you try to nudge your partner in to the direction of figure it out yourself. Instead of saying what´s actually upsetting you. You find small and petty ways to irritate your partner so you can justify your own complains.
Fx. if you leave the trashcan more than filled and then take it out on your partner when it spills all over the place.
That kind of behavior is a sign of the partners not feeling comfortable expressing their true feelings. The background for the example above is probably founded in a need for more help around the house. You do not need to drop hints if you are not afraid of being judged or criticized.
State your feelings and desires openly. Make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to but that you would love to have their support.
6) Keeping track of the score
This is when you keep blaming each other for past mistakes and justify new mistakes you make by giving the past ones some sort of value.
fx. “you ignored me at julie´s birthday party last year, so it´s ok that I do not take the dishes (again)”
You remind each other of past mistakes over and over and it turns into a “scorecard” of wrongdoings in order to justify current righteousness. This is ginning up guilt and bitterness and you end up using all your energy trying to be les wrong instead of doing right.
Don´t connect past wrongs with present new ones. Deal with the issue and let it go. You have chosen to be with this person and being a human they have flaws and many more than you may know.
If you love them (and yourself) forgive and forget. People who love each other genuinely do not go around doing bad thing to each other on purpose.
Hope that you liked and learned something from this. Please like, share and comment and let´s make more happy relationships ♥