My good friend and Mentor Jakob Olrik has studied men and women´s interactions through a decade and always have a funny and “easy to get” way of explaining how we can approve.
The following article is strongly inspired from what he learned me.
Are you familiar with that feeling of being in a relationship thinking: I had more fun before, I had more action before, I had more sex before.
Now I sit here locked down and I am not having fun anymore.
Let´s talk about how to keep the spark in a relationship, and how you can manage to keep your sex life up and running.
Now your probably thinking that this is all about renewing my sex life and that I will give you some tips and tricks for you to take in to the bedroom, maybe sell you a lot of books and so on – and that is NOT what this is about.
Tips and tricks are good but it is not the most important way to keep your sex life up and running. This is about solving some of the problems and balance expectations.
When you are through the first months of being completely in love and the endorphin level is back to normal you wake up and see that his hair wasn’t all that curly and his breath in morning sort of smells bad, and all the other little things that every human being has.
Now you start you little list inside your head, list with things that are not so wonderful.
You ask yourself “does he have to fix the car all the time?”
“Does he have to practice his sport this often?”
“Why does he always forget the simplest things?”
He does the exact same thing…
“Does she have to read those stupid magazines?”
“Does she have to always talk about boring stuff?”
“Does she have to buy all those shoes” (and drag me along to do it…?)
All of a sudden you have a choice…
Like if you bought a used car. You absolutely love it at first, but then you find out that the door handle is a little loose, the windshield wiper could be better and it sounds really loud when the turn signal is on.
Now you have to make your choice – either: this is not what I want I´ll move on…. bye bye nice knowing you….OR you say I take you as you are.
Along the way you go and compromise and think – I will teach him to be better and help more around the house, teach him to come home in time, teach him to remember the little things, teach him to pay more attention.
In his head he thinks he will be able to teach her to talk about interesting stuff and love the opera….
If he is not like that he is not like that and will never be.
THEN you make your real choice – can I live with him/her the way they are right now or not.
If you choose to stay then you can love him as he is and not the idea of who he may become.
The conflicts coming from your frustrations of who he is not, is what you carry with you in to the bedroom.
Who wants to have sex to someone they were really irritated with just half an hour ago?? It just doesn’t work that way – at least not as good as it could do.
That is why it is so important to talk about the realities – what are they like right now. And that can be extremely difficult. To do it the right way so no one feels guilty or attacked is imperative to succeed
(I will cover that in another article)
And now for the acting part …
A nice exercise to make it a little less difficult and a lot more fun is to try and be each other.
That’s right he puts on some of your close and you put on some of his. Then you get to choose one thing that you are less satisfied with and act like the other person doing that thing.
She comes in (in his shirt and tie) talking loud on phone with his football friends, ignoring the kids and “her”(who is him right now) putting his dirty feet up in the sofa and change the channel on the tv…
That way he gets the chance to see himself as she sees him.
Then you switch and he gets to sit in her dress and blabber about the girlfriend’s newest boyfriend, the new recipe for organic pesto, the dreadful neighbor who has that really fat cat. Ask him (her) if he really think that what he has done is called to vacuum??? And tell him that he is no good at doing whatever chore his done…..And so on…
… she gets to see herself from his point of view.
That way you get to see yourself in a new and funny way and you have the best access to a constructive and meaningful talk.
Maybe it sound like it can be a little hard to get this going and you have to convince your better half to be in on the game. A question like “would you help me improve our sex life?” is a good start, not many men would say no to that…
Do it Saturday evening after the kids are in bed and maybe a glass of wine to take the top of your inhibitions.
You could start with just trying on each others close and then take it from there, no need to hurry, the important thing is to get your message out in a funny way and be willing to listen to his message as well. That is the very best way to eliminate frustrations so they never enter the bedroom and spoil the fun in there.
Everybody knows that communication is easiest when we talk in the same language and the very essential part of a relationship is to tell how you feel and give each other your declaration of love .
That can be really hard since you may not experience love the same way. And even though you think that you do nothing but show him how much you love him, he may not see it.
You have to talk in the language he understands.
We all have different ways to understand love. Actually there are five ways of giving and receiving love.
The five categories are: Presents, time, praise, services and touch.
- I feel loved when he takes time of to spend it with me
- I feel loved when he touches me for no apparent reason
- I feel loved when you bring me presents especially for me selected by you.
- I feel loved when you choose to spend time with me
- I feel loved when you praise me and tell me you think I am good at what I do.
Of course we all have a little of it all, but most people have a preferred language and that is where the conflict may appear.
Maybe he brings you presents all the time, but you are miserable because he doesn’t praise you big effort around the house and the kids.
And maybe you touch him every time he passes by, but he feels overlooked because you never give him unexpected personal gifts.
In this example she feels loved when she is praised and he feels loved when he gets personal gifts.
We have to recognize these differences and learn to show our love so our partner understand.
Talk about it, be open and honest in your communication and learn to talk the right language.
If you have no clue of what your partners love language is – look at the way they treat you. Very often we give the way we want to receive.
When we master this, the fun in the relationship and the bedroom will be as natural and hot as ever.
But start to recognize how you love each other and embrace the differences.
I found a little quiz to point you in the right direction. It is 30 questions – completely free and anonymous.
Go and learn a new language and get the gift of a healthy and fun relationship.
Have fun my favorite Diva